It's been awhile since I posted, and some of you are beginning to worry. Sorry for disappearing on you. I'm really doing ok. Just trying to figure out who I am without Papa while simultaneously making a lot of decisions that will affect my future. You know... little things like how to make our resources last longer than I do. Is that possible? Sure would be easier if I knew how long I would live. It would also be much easier if I had known to ask Papa a lot of questions while he was still with me. Hindsight is always 20/20.
The loneliness is very real now that my sweetheart has been gone for 2 months. I'm not really alone because my children (biological and chosen) spend a lot of time with me. They are doing a beautiful job of taking care of me. They're just not Papa. I miss his hugs and his smile. I need to ask him a question, but he isn't here to answer it. Most of all, I miss the comfortable companionship that we shared for 33 years. I feel quite incomplete without him.
Elisabeth Elliot reminds me that loneliness is just one phase. It won't last forever. I suppose eventually God may send someone else into my life, but I'm not ready for that now. It's hard to imagine loving another man the way I love Papa, yet I don't want to spend the next thirty years alone. During this season of transition, I have chosen to trust God for all of my needs, to give Him my loneliness and let Him make something good from it. He is faithful!
I take long walks and putter about the house and yard. I read a lot, pray a lot, and cry a little. I'm not depressed or feeling sorry for myself, but simply seeking God's plan for my life. I asked God from the beginning to help me grieve productively rather than wasting time with self-pity and other unproductive thought patterns. I choose to be happy. It would be foolish of me to miss out on the special things He has planned for me because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. It makes more sense to just trust Him and surrender to His will for me. Those are the keys to joy and peace.
At this point, I have no idea what my future holds. I expect to stay in our house, simplify in every way that I can, and make a determined effort to become the person God wants me to be. Beyond that, only He knows. That's ok, though. He will reveal His plan in His perfect timing. It will be beautiful and perfect in every way.
Please continue to keep my children and me in your prayers.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Hi Daffodil,
I imagine you "puttering" and looking up to the heavens and smiling as the sun shines on your face. It's such a lovely image of you....amid the daffodils and grasses blowing in the breeze...
As sad as I know you are, I found a true feeling of peace and joy in your writing. But, most importantly, it's real. You speak of a very realistic joy amid the loneliness. It's serene and hopeful. So very beautiful. A gift you give the memory of your beloved Papa. Even your choice of the word "surrender" is so perfect and sweet. Honestly, I want to bottle you up and give you to everyone!
You are a true inspiration and a woman of courage and strength.
My prayers continue to be with yu and yours.....
Judi
Just wanted to say hi, and you are a true inspiration to anyone who has lost a loved one, hang in there.
((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Trinity
Daff,
I so admire your out look. You've been through so much. I continue to lift you up in prayer. I know our Great King will keep you and lead you forward.
Sharing like you do is helpful to the rest of us and you must know we cry with you. I know He has a beautiful future that He will ease you into step by step.
Prayers and (((hugs))),
Melissa
Hi Daffodil,
I've been thinking of you lately. Things have been quite hectic of late and I haven't had a chance to check in on my favorite group as much as I would like. But, all of you...especially you...have been close in my thoughts and in my prayers.
May you continue to believe that God has a plan for you and that His plan is a good one.
Hoping you are well,
Judi
Post a Comment